Pre cruise a irline laughs...

On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is
for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."
______________________
On landing, a West jet stewardess was heard to say: "Please be sure to
take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
make sure it's something we'd like to have."
____________________
Also from West jet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!"
_________________
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
___________________________________

As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a stop at La Guardia,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
_____________________________

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
_____________________________

From a Southwest Airlines flight crew member: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised.
_________________________________

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite.
_____________________________

The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather
at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try
to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
_____________________________________
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; In the event of an
emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and feel
free to take them home with our compliments."
________________________________

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children or other adults acting like children."
_____________________________

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed equally amongst the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
________________________________

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
________________________________

Heard from a flight attendant on a West jet Airlines flight just after
a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That was quite a bump, and I
know what you're all thinking... I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's
fault...it was the asphalt."
___________________________

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis
what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
________________________________

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
____________________________

A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal a few years ago that on
one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had unfortunately
hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The
airline had a policy, which required the first officer on the flight to
stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile and
repeat, "Thanks for flying our airline." His comments indicated that,
in light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the
passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart comments that might result.
Finally there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane.
Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting
first officer and said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" "Did we land, or were
we shot down?"
____________________________________

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the
wreckage to the terminal."
_________________________________

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
_________________________________

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!!!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a
cup of very hot coffee, which ended up spilling in my lap. You should
see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's
nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Funny:

thanks.


"Marge" wrote in message
om...
On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is
for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."
______________________
On landing, a West jet stewardess was heard to say: "Please be sure to
take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
make sure it's something we'd like to have."
____________________
Also from West jet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!"
_________________
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
___________________________________

As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a stop at La Guardia,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
_____________________________

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
_____________________________

From a Southwest Airlines flight crew member: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised.
_________________________________

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite.
_____________________________

The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather
at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try
to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
_____________________________________
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; In the event of an
emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and feel
free to take them home with our compliments."
________________________________

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children or other adults acting like children."
_____________________________

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed equally amongst the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
________________________________

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
________________________________

Heard from a flight attendant on a West jet Airlines flight just after
a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That was quite a bump, and I
know what you're all thinking... I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's
fault...it was the asphalt."
___________________________

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis
what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
________________________________

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
____________________________

A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal a few years ago that on
one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had unfortunately
hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The
airline had a policy, which required the first officer on the flight to
stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile and
repeat, "Thanks for flying our airline." His comments indicated that,
in light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the
passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart comments that might result.
Finally there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane.
Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting
first officer and said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" "Did we land, or were
we shot down?"
____________________________________

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the
wreckage to the terminal."
_________________________________

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
_________________________________

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!!!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a
cup of very hot coffee, which ended up spilling in my lap. You should
see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's
nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Very funny, thanks.

ando (RTCReferee) wrote in message ...

said of Marge's airline jokes,

Very funny, thanks.


But more appropriately posted in rec.travel.air OR rec.humor,
and most of the jokes HAD BEEN, e.g.:

http://groups.google.com/groups?hl=e...40dosa.alt.net

Subject: Airline Bloopers
Newsgroups: rec.travel.air
Date: 2002-04-24 20:06:38 PST

---------------------------------------------------------------

Furthermore ..., Marge had posted the SAME jokes in

From: Marge )
Subject: Airline laughs...
Newsgroups: soc.senior.issues
Date: 2004-06-18 08:43:11 PST



Plagiarism "cross-posted" (separately) in two ngs and bitten
hook, line, and sinker by RTCReferee!



For a more appropriate CROSS-POSTING, Marge's last plagiarized
joke was posted in (among lots of other ngs):

From: A Lieberman )
Subject: Smooth Flight after all
Newsgroups: rec.humor, alt.jokes, alt.tasteless.humor,
alt.tasteless.humor, alt.humor
Date: 1999/10/13

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the
intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome
to flight #293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead
is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
So
set back and relax - OH MY GOD?

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, {Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you
earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.} You should see the
front of my pants?

A passenger in the coach said, "" THAT'S NOTHING"", he should see the
back of mine

---------------------------------------------------------------


NOW you can ALL LOL, ROFLYAO, or ... do your usual RTC OT stuff ...
AND try to flame the Reef Fish for pointing out some of the
RTC follies. :-)

-- Bob.

Thanks for a good laugh!!! After reading all the name calling and
spatting posts, yours was very refreshing.
~~DORIS~~

Great Post