Why brits are so funny about the toilet...

****tiquette

A guide to crapping away from home



When Michael Stipe sang 'Everybody Hurts' he may as well have sung
'Everybody ****s' instead. Because everybody - everybody - everybody - has
to go to the lavatory now and again. From the lowliest tramp to the
starriest princess - all have to strain their bowls before sundown.



Defecation may be a perfectly natural bodily function, but that doesn't mean
you want to draw attention to it. Crapping is an intensely private pastime,
and consequently few things are as nerve-wracking as having to 'go' away
from home. Whether it be in a workplace washroom, or at your partner's
parents' house, a stranger's lavatory is rarely inviting.



Now, as TVGH1 celebrates the world of bum eggs with Bank Holiday Panblockers
(MONDAY, TVGH1), we've invited covert plop authority Steve Fence - author of
Going Undercover: The Art of Covert ****ting - to bring you an expert guide
to vacating your bowels in unfamiliar surroundings.





STEP ONE:

PREPARATION



If you're determined to achieve undetected defecation, you can't just leap
in and start blindly crapping away. First you've got to tackle the
groundwork. Before undertaking any kind of plopdown manoeuvre, the two most
important issues to resolve are when to go and where to do it.



Obviously, you have no control over timing or location when trying to crap
on a train or aircraft. If this is the case, the best you can do is achieve
damage limitation by skipping step one completely and heading straight for
step two.



The rest of you follow me:



WHEN TO GO



Timing is essential. It's no good ambling off to the lavatory whenever you
feel like it. It's not your house remember? You must choose your moment with
the precision of a stealth assassin.



A key question to ask is 'has anyone else used the toilet recently?' If the
answer is YES, it's best to wait a few minutes for the sake of your own
comfort.



If the answer is NO, attempt to ascertain the likelihood of someone else
wanting to use it in the immediate future - i.e. straight after you, when
it's likely to smell. Look around you. Has anyone eaten recently? If you're
in someone's house, are they settling down to watch a film? Does anyone,
even vaguely, look as though they might need a ****?



If you can't answer these questions to a satisfactory degree of accuracy,
then you MUST bide your time. If at all possible, hold it in until you're
back home. If you're staying over at someone's house, wait until everyone
else has gone to bed - ideally they will have been tucked up for an hour or
more by the time your cheeks hit the seat.



WHERE TO GO



Upon arrival, it is essential to familiarise yourself with the layout of the
building. You should note how many toilets are available and where they are
located. Also note which, if any, are situated within a full-blown bathroom
and which are stand-alone units.



If staying at someone else's house, do not pick a toilet on a busy
thoroughfare. Nothing is worse than walking out of the toilet and bumping
straight into someone's mother as a cloud of offensive ****funk billows from
the room behind you as possible. The ideal location is as far away as
possible from everyone else in the building; for instance if working in an
office within a large building, try to use a toilet on a quiet, unfamiliar
flood at all possible.



If the only option open to you is a communal workplace toilet, pick a
cubicle far away from the door. Always choose and end cubicle: NEVER enter a
cubicle sandwiched between two others.



If you're staying with a family gathered in the living room watching
television, seek out the uppermost toilet in the house - they may not even
be aware of the flushing sounds, leaving your crap completely undetected.



If you can locate a toilet in the same room as a bath or shower, then
congratulations: you've hit the jackpot. Simply ask if it's okay if you have
a bath, lock yourself in, run the taps, and lay cable to your heart's
content. The bathtime dump is truly a dream come true: the noise of rushing
water masks any noise you may be emitting (see Step Two for more on noise
elimination), and by the time you've finished pong and had a soak in the
tub, all stench will have dissipated (see Step Three for further
information).





STEP TWO:

THE ACT ITSELF



Once ensconced on the throne your primary concern is noise. If you've picked
your moment and location carefully (see Preparation) then toilet noise may
not be an issue. In an ideal situation, you will be free to make as much
racket as you like without fear of being overheard. Sometimes, however,
circumstances dictate this is not the case. Small houses with a single bowl,
workplace lavatories, and shared guesthouse bathrooms are all potential
danger spots - but with care, you can pass undetected.



Toilet noise falls into two categories: anal trumpeting and faecal splash.
The good news is that these two sonic fields tend to be mutually exclusive:
a stool turgid and weighty enough to produce a flamboyant sploshing sound is
likely to have been expelled in relative silence, whilst the triumphant rasp
of diarrhoea generally accompanies droplets of brown matter which gently
spatter the side of the bowl instead of plunging noisily into the seas
below.



Whatever the sound you're making, keeping the decibel level to an absolute
minimum should be your goal. Here are a few suggestions.



REDUCING 'PLUNGEDOWN'



Place toilet paper in the bowl before evacuating your bowels. A small furl
of two to three loosely-spooled sheets is ideal - this acts as a kind of
'sonic safety net' gently catching the plummeting stool and eliminating
embarrassing splash sounds.



NB: DO NOT use an excess of paper to create your furl. You may block the pan
altogether, causing overspill. If this happens for God's sake just hang
yourself with your belt. It'll be easier for all concerned.



MASKING ANAL RASPING



A spluttering sphincter reverberating around a cavernous toilet bowl is one
of the most humiliating sounds you can make with your body - and
unfortunately it's often unavoidable, particularly if you've been holding in
gas for sometime in a bid to avoid passing wind in front of your hosts.



Your best course of action is to mask the din. Coughing in time to each
eruption is effective, but somewhat of a giveaway. Whistling or humming to
yourself is inadvisable - it only draws attention and makes you sound
nervous.



If you have taken a newspaper into the toilet with you, rustle and turn the
pages as demonstratively as you can. If there is within arm's reach, run the
tap. Don't set it to full blast - that's another giveaway; a gentle trickle
should be sufficient to camouflage quiet noises. Hot taps are effective, as
they often have the bonus side-effect of summoning up an obfuscating hubbub
from the boiler and pipes.



In extreme cases, where the anal noise is excessive and you're certain of
being overheard unless urgent muffler action is taken, it is acceptable to
muffle the sound by clamping a piece of toilet paper against the mouth of
your anus as wind is expelled. Bear in mind this may leave you with **** on
your hands.



(****TER'S TIP: Another way to reduce noise is to aim your exit hole
slightly to one side, so the falling stool lands against the wall of the
bowl before sliding down to nestle softly in the base of the pan. Only se
this method when there is a toilet brush to hand as it WILL cause
streaking.)





STEP THREE:

THE AFTERMATH



You've chosen a good moment in a prime location, and no-ones heard a thing.
Good work But you're not out of the woods yet.



Now there's a new enemy to contend with: smell. Smell is an inevitable
by-product of defecation, and varies in tenor from 'light brown musk' to
violent affront to human dignity'. The two main areas of concern here are
minimising the smell at source, and then preventing others from encountering
it. Let's take a look.



MINIMISING SMELL



The first rule of stench reduction is to act quickly - particularly in a
situation where someone else is likely to be waiting to use the toilet. Do
not dawdle once the waste has been expelled - flush the toilet immediately,
prior to wiping. This may seem extreme, but it is an extremely effective
means of minimising odour. Remember - better for someone outside to here you
flush twice (or even three times) than for them to walk in and catch a nose
full of absolutely eye-watering bumsteam.



In situations where time is less of an issue, your options are varied.
Family bathrooms often have a small window, which should be opened to
encourage the circulation of fresh air.



Striking a match to 'burn away' the smell can be helpful, but often leaves
behind a tell-tale odour of its own. Many hosts thoughtfully place a
canister of air-freshener in the bathroom. This should be approached with
caution - the sound of the spray will immediately inform anyone within
earshot that you're anxiously trying to conceal the reek from a massive log,
and besides, the perfume itself is rarely enough to eradicate the smell.
Indeed if used carelessly, air-freshener can actually exacerbate your
predicament by creating a heady cocktail of undesirable odours: the scent of
synthetic lavender, in particular, can be spectacularly remnants of a hot
and pungent ****.



PREVENTING OTHERS FROM ENTERING



With the arena of smell being so fraught with danger, by far the most
effective way of avoiding embarrassment is to ensure nobody else will use
the toilet for some time. In some circles it is socially acceptable to warn
others you have left an odour behind immediately upon exit. Whilst this may
be tolerable amongst a group of relative strangers of the same sex, it
should only be used as a last resort - and should never be employed by
anyone vacating a toilet on a bus, train, or aircraft.



In situations where your absence may go unnoticed for up to twenty minutes,
you may want to consider simply remaining inside the cubicle until the
stench has dissipated. Be sure to take a book or magazine to read in with
you beforehand.



By far the most effective method of making the toilet a no-go area until the
offending smell has receded is the bath poo method (see Preparation). That's
truly a **** from heaven.



(****TERS TIP: Be sure to check the bowl for marks before leaving. No-one
wants to walk into the lavatory after you, spot a tell-tale streak, and
think 'ergh, that came from their arse'. Not even for a second.



Steve Fence's Going Undercover: The Art of Covert ****ing is available to
buy from a wheel in the sky.



Credit for this to Charlie Brooker http://www.tvgohome.com